The least is me

It seems a secret sin to think the words, but I am weak today as they move past my lips.  He is next to me in bed; the glow of blue screen our only illumination.  He hears and falls silent.

"Did you hear me?"

He looks at me all eyes, and I hide in the shadow.  "Yes."

The insides squirm in the discomfort of being known.  "Why aren't you saying anything?"

His gaze remains while I grow small, "I'm thinking."

Yes, no doubt he ponders disturbing words straight shot from lips he loves.  I worry now that it was too much to share, but isn't that what being One is all about?  Sharing it all?

It was true after all, my words the work of poison building up in my system.  I am tired.  Weary of giving my all to the thankless.  Week after week I swallowed the bitterness down whole until it choked me right to the point of spiritual death.  Here I lay gasping for breath, for life.

But he is not my Savior!  

Spoken words fail him this night, but I know how he prays faithful.  Words I think I want most are withheld, and I fall empty onto feathers, wrapped in blankets of desperate loneliness.  I'm hearing loud, in my isolated cocoon what I have known forever; what we all must realize, only God.  Why then must I always reject the outstretched hand, looking everywhere else for the rescue?

Morning comes anew and I meet sun with swollen eyes and aching head.  Unnamed heaviness threatens to break apart the splintered insides, and I brace steady against the counter.  All stills.  Body.  Mind.  Spirit.

His Holy words move into me, and I feel them slow.  "Am I enough?"

"Of course," I quick reply, but hearts know truth and mine was lying.

I remember the giving of self.  The search for what I felt was due me.  I see now how the focus moved full hazy and the picture of Who matters and what doesn't blurred too great.  

And I die the death I must.

There in my kitchen I lay it down and offer up.  

Matthew 25:34-40

³⁴ “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’