The many forms of "fine"

I've been asked a lot about how I'm doing lately.  It seems a simple question, but it trips me up every time.  I pause.  I falter.  I mix up words and try to gauge how much the person really wants to know.  It doesn't seem appropriate to go into the deep places my mind has been wandering when I stand in a passing conversation.  It doesn't seem a complete truth to say that I'm fine.

In many ways I am fine.  I look at my children as they head off to school in the morning, each finding their own way to normalcy again.  They are in the beginning stages of new friendships, and new experiences.  In some respects, I see how this move has changed them already.  They have embraced so much more than I thought they were capable of, and there is a strength I see emerging from each one of them.

And my husband is tackling the many challenges of living in Nicaragua with strength, resolve, and confidence.  He is finding his way too, one day at a time, learning, surrendering, and discovering a dependence on God that he has never known before.

Our house is beginning to feel like more than a building we sleep in at night, slowly taking the likeness of the Mohr home.  We have grown accustomed to the small lizards that scamper across the walls and ceilings, knowing they control the mosquitos.  And the doors that the wind slams shut no longer keep us wide eyed and panicked during the night.

Small bits of Spanish are working their way into our brains, and we are not feeling so desperately lost among a language we have not yet conquered.  Some days (my favorite kind) we feel like we have always belonged here.

And some days, well, some days are just terribly hard.

There are moments that I revert back to old thoughts that have held me captive for so many years.  Feelings of inadequacy, weakness, stupidity, and fear of rejection.  All of these thoughts, I have learned, keep me self-focused and not God focused.  I am cradling desires to be someone other than who God created me to be, feeling all along that it would make this transition so much easier if I could only be more bold, confrontational, confident, and extroverted.  In moments when my soul protests the negativity, I tell myself that there is room for someone like me, but it comes out sounding so empty, so hollow.

It is the pattern that I fall into, and every time I hold tight to this struggle, I cannot fully embrace the freedom found in the acceptance of my Father's love.  And I have tasted and seen the goodness of the Lord, and my heart wants nothing more than to be completely satisfied in Him.

Moment by moment I lay it down before the Lord, seeking his insight, wisdom, and the grace and truth that he wants me to know so I can walk confidently toward his purposes for my life.

James 1:2-6

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.