With my hands open
I remember the loss, and the dark ache that swallowed me. Fifteen years have been lived since then, but the thought of surviving those moments burn in my throat even now. Grief has a way of lingering.
We named her Mathia, God's gift. God's gift that we never held, never rocked to sleep, never even saw. On occasion my children mention her name, and we dream about the role she would have played in our family. She is a part of my story, a shade of who I am. She softened me to suffering, and gently gifted me with the understanding of loss.
I wonder of God's grace in those moments. In that place of darkness, he was there reminding me of his goodness. In the depths of my sorrow he gave me a song of worship. And maybe that is why the words of Job sink so deeply into my heart, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." The beauty of worship in the moment of loss and difficulty astounds me. It points to the belief that even if my circumstances are overwhelming, God has not changed and he is still good. I want to have that kind of faith! God, in your mercy, give me that kind of faith.
The past two years have been a journey of opening my hands and my heart. "God, I give you my home, I give you my hopes, my dreams, my thoughts for the future, I give you my career, I give you my comfort, I give you my security. Because I trust that you are good, and your plans for me are perfect." And God has blessed this sacrifice! He has given me a life I never would have dreamed, and opened my eyes to a world that I never would have seen if I had not let go of what was given. I have joy in a place that I never wanted to enter.
I am learning to live with both hands opened. I want to receive all of these moments of goodness that he lavishes upon me, but also live in the knowledge that he may ask for it back. I don't want to live in the shadows of fear and loss, but in the light of sacrificial praise. I lift it all to the heavens. "God, give what you would have me receive, and take what you would have me release. And grace me with the peace that it is for my good and for your glory."
We named her Mathia, God's gift. God's gift that we never held, never rocked to sleep, never even saw. On occasion my children mention her name, and we dream about the role she would have played in our family. She is a part of my story, a shade of who I am. She softened me to suffering, and gently gifted me with the understanding of loss.
I wonder of God's grace in those moments. In that place of darkness, he was there reminding me of his goodness. In the depths of my sorrow he gave me a song of worship. And maybe that is why the words of Job sink so deeply into my heart, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." The beauty of worship in the moment of loss and difficulty astounds me. It points to the belief that even if my circumstances are overwhelming, God has not changed and he is still good. I want to have that kind of faith! God, in your mercy, give me that kind of faith.
The past two years have been a journey of opening my hands and my heart. "God, I give you my home, I give you my hopes, my dreams, my thoughts for the future, I give you my career, I give you my comfort, I give you my security. Because I trust that you are good, and your plans for me are perfect." And God has blessed this sacrifice! He has given me a life I never would have dreamed, and opened my eyes to a world that I never would have seen if I had not let go of what was given. I have joy in a place that I never wanted to enter.
I am learning to live with both hands opened. I want to receive all of these moments of goodness that he lavishes upon me, but also live in the knowledge that he may ask for it back. I don't want to live in the shadows of fear and loss, but in the light of sacrificial praise. I lift it all to the heavens. "God, give what you would have me receive, and take what you would have me release. And grace me with the peace that it is for my good and for your glory."
We talked just last night about suffering and sacrifice at our Bible study. If we want to be a follower of Jesus, we follow Him to the cross - a place of unimaginable suffering and sacrifice. But it is also the place where we gained our freedom. Praise God from whom all blessing flow.
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