I'm just a mom

I'm just a mom.  I stay at home with my kids, but really, my kids are all in school now.  So, I guess the more accurate description is that I am a mom who stays at home alone.  I've looked for jobs over the past few months, and the few things I've tried have fallen through.  Admittedly, I haven't tried very hard.

There are days when I think about the potential income I am missing out on, and how it could provide us with more fun opportunities.  There are days when I don't feel very useful, and truthfully, unneeded.  No one gives me a pat on the back for emptying the dishwasher, or making sure we have clean towels.  I won't be getting a review for how many times a week I help with homework, which is probably a good thing because I hate it.  The thank you's are few and far between, and the work is mundane.

When I was in fifth grade I did a book report on Florence Nightingale, the renowned nurse.  I remember telling my mom that I wanted to be like her someday, but not just any nurse, a famous one. I think what I was really saying is that I wanted to make a big difference in the world, and I wanted people to notice.

I feel like God is really challenging me on that lately.  How do I know?  Because I'm struggling with self-worth.  If you have read this blog for any amount of time, you will notice that this is a theme in my life that ebbs and flows.  If I can accomplish something that I see as great, then I am worthy.  But worthy of what?  Love?  Forgiveness? Acceptance?  To be alive?

My house is quiet this morning, and I'm tired.  I'm tired of comparing myself to everybody else.  Because if I think I've fallen short then I'm discouraged, and if I feel that I've exceeded someone then I'm proud.  I don't want to be either of those equally ugly things.  I really don't.  I just want to be the best me; uniquely designed, quietly gifted, beyond compare.

Does God have a purpose for my life?  Absolutely!  Does it involve fifth graders describing what that is in future book reports?  Probably not.  Could it look like an unknown mom who showed up every day, and invested her love and passion into the lives of her children and husband?  I hope so.

I am inclined to believe that the most beautiful acts of love and sacrifice are the ones we never hear about.  And that, my friends, is God honoring, holy work.  And if I should ever accomplish some far reaching thing for God that will not make me worthy.  It will make me obedient.

Desperation always brings me to the foot of the cross.  This is the place where I come to lay the ugliness down.  This is the crest of the hill where the sacrifice of surrender is given to a waiting God.  I am on my knees, face to the ground, with the whispers of my heart lifted to heaven.  "Whatever it is you want for my life God, whether I walk in the shadows of the unseen or sit among those in high places, show me the value that it is to you.  Help me to walk faithfully on the path that you place before me, keeping my eyes away from others and fixed on you.  Give me the wisdom to understand your love for me, and the worth you have placed on my life simply because you created it.  May your will be done in my life, and your name be lifted high."