It isn't well with my soul

In the year 1871, the Spafford family tragically lost their only little boy to an illness.  Horatio, the father, was a successful lawyer and businessman in the city of Chicago, but later that same year, he also lost many of his investments in The Great Chicago Fire.  In the pain of personal and financial tragedy, the family decided to take a holiday to Europe following these events, but Horatio had to finish up some business before leaving.   He sent his wife Anna and their four young daughters on a boat with plans to meet them in England.

Four days into the voyage, their ship collided with another and Anna was the only Spafford who survived.  She sent Horatio a telegram that began, "Saved, alone."  On his way to meet Anna, Horatio's ship passed over the place where his daughters perished beneath the dark and mighty sea.  It is said that these events inspired him to write the hymn, It Is Well With My Soul.

The first notes play out, and I recognize their tune before the words are projected onscreen.  I have sung this hymn countless times with differing degrees of passion.  Today, I cannot sing a note.  I let the memorized words sink deep into my heart, but their truth is drowned out by life's circumstances.  My soul is anything but well.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

I am with Horatio looking into the sea.  Standing on my toes, I stretch my neck to see what lies over the rail.  My eyes search for a lingering hope in the far below and out of reach roll of the emerald waves.  The ship cuts through the dark and foamy waters.  I cannot see, I cannot touch, I cannot recover what has settled in the deep.

Tears drip off the chin and add to the brininess of the ocean.  We leave a part of ourselves behind in the grave of sorrow.  He marks the headstones with lyrics.  The words ring out like he owns the truth of them.  He is a man who has wrestled with the pleasure and the pain of this life, and he has somehow found his soul's personal anthem written to God who has allowed his life to touch both blessing and tragedy.

He has learned to say, "It is well."

I stand beside him with my own hard stories.  Stories that I cannot share beyond the walls of my home.  Stories that aren't finished, and keep me awake at night wondering how they might unfold.  I wrestle with the good and the hard of this life, and wonder how I might find my way to the assurance that I can rest in Him.

In time, three more children were born into the Spafford family; two girls and a boy.  Illness came upon them again, taking with it their four year old son.  I can only imagine the depths of their sorrow.  I can only imagine that Horatio took out the scratched down notes from the years before looking for the hope and assurance that he had felt the day he penned them.

The refrain continues as each line of the song is echoed; a reminder that if it was true once, it could be true again.

It is well (It is well)
With my soul (With my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul

My heart clings to the confidence of the words.  Some days I sing them with hope; some days I sing them with conviction.