Showing posts from October, 2015

What I don't want to leave behind

I suppose if I could, I would invite you over.  We would sip coffee or tea, whatever your pleasure may be, and sit for a while talking about things that matter and things that don't.

I would share with you how we are still trying to get settled after eight weeks of moving, and how I'm not sure we ever will be.  You see, my life is different now.  I would try to explain how, but I'm quite sure the words would fail me just as they have every other time since I've come to this realization.

I am stuck in transition.  I think about this as I lie down in a bed that I've paid for, but no longer feel is mine.  It is a familiar possession, but one that I know is temporary.  Soon, I will leave it behind, because I'm just passing through.

Every single day I think about that future I am walking towards.  I know where I'm going, and I know something of what it takes to get there. I'm excited and I'm scared.  I am joyful and I am sad.  But always I am moving forw…

Confessions of a good girl

I was ending my sophomore year of high school when the conversation took place.  Her fair blonde hair was pinned perfectly away from the gentle curve of her neck.  A few curls framed  her face and spiraled down to her shoulders.  She was lovely as she spoke.  The gist of what she said was this, "I don't know if it is a sin or not, but if cutting my hair is going to keep me out of heaven, then I'm not going to do it."

I admired her conviction, her "better safe than sorry" standards.  I'd never really thought of it as a sin, and although my father didn't allow us to cut our hair my mom would trim it straight on occasion.  I began to wonder if it was wrong.

I was always a good girl.  A rule follower.  I worked well within boundaries, as long as I knew what they were.  Without realizing, I began to work hard at not failing.  I wanted to please people, and I wanted to please God.

The school that I went to was rigid on rules.  I believed that if I followe…

There lived a little girl

There lived a little girl
Quite a lovely one, you see
With golden hair and bright blue eyes
That twinkled merrily

She loved to whisper stories
To her blankie late at night
And color vivid pictures
All in all a glorious sight

And this little girl was wonderful
Her mother told her so
But she wasn't always pleasant
(Though she preferred that no one know)

For in certain times she felt it
An uprising deep inside
That bubbled to the surface
Where it had no place to hide

Now that chipper little girl
With her spaced and winsome smile
Turned into an angry bee
Who did buzz a long, long while

She would raise her voice an octave
Stomp her feet and pull her hair
How she wished that she could settle
But her life just felt unfair

She would hear her mother calling
"Little one, let's settle down,
Use calm words to tell your story,
Trade a smile for that frown."

How that little girl was thankful!
For the patience in mom's voice
For she knew that she was loved
When she made an awfu…

A new season, a new day

Time surrounds me.  It is all of this blank space begging to be filled.

I should do something.  I should go somewhere.  I should enjoy every single moment so I do not waste these opportunities that have been so rare.  I don't.

I haven't adjusted yet.

I've dreamed of freedom.  I've wished moments away that felt too difficult to endure.  There were nights of exhaustion that required me to get out of my bed and check on a crying babe in the crib.  Nights that a little hand would touch my face to stir me from sleep to tell me that they were afraid.   I would open up my covers as those pajama covered feet heaved themselves up and into the crook of my arm.  That steady breathing came in the comfort of safety while the numbness and tingling moved its way to my fingers with the lack of circulation.  I thought this season would never end.

But it has.

I tried to savor the best of moments.  I somehow knew even while I lived it, even in the struggle that I was holding happiness.  …