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Showing posts from January, 2018

The long path to solid ground

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I stood at the gap between earth and heaven, and dreamed of the other side.  I was never in the place of wanting to end my life, but I longed for the pain and the loss and the loneliness to end.  I was thankful for the days when tears would come, because that meant I could still feel something.  I had experienced the loss of so many things I loved, that my heart began to protect itself.

It was a slow realization that a numb heart is not a heart that can love or care for anything but itself.

There were many days I lived on autopilot.  I would wake up far too early, drink the coffee, eat the breakfast, wake the kids, and send them off to school.  The next day I would do it again.  And again.  The hours in between would find me in bed or mindlessly engaged in activities that allowed me to escape from the reality of my new life.

I was me, and I was not.  I lived in the shadow of my life before Nicaragua, where the people, and the places, and the things looked the same.  But they were not.…