A new season, a new day

Time surrounds me.  It is all of this blank space begging to be filled.

I should do something.  I should go somewhere.  I should enjoy every single moment so I do not waste these opportunities that have been so rare.  I don't.

I haven't adjusted yet.

I've dreamed of freedom.  I've wished moments away that felt too difficult to endure.  There were nights of exhaustion that required me to get out of my bed and check on a crying babe in the crib.  Nights that a little hand would touch my face to stir me from sleep to tell me that they were afraid.   I would open up my covers as those pajama covered feet heaved themselves up and into the crook of my arm.  That steady breathing came in the comfort of safety while the numbness and tingling moved its way to my fingers with the lack of circulation.  I thought this season would never end.

But it has.

I tried to savor the best of moments.  I somehow knew even while I lived it, even in the struggle that I was holding happiness.  And I listened when people told me how it goes by so fast, but you never truly realize this until it's over.

The house is quiet, save for the dryer that keeps a constant whir.  It reminds me that people live here, but I am alone.

I watch as she smooths her curls with both hands while she rocks back and forth on her toes.  She bites her lip as she looks over to see if I am watching.  Excitement radiates off of her, and it is my saving grace.

I can't take my eyes off of her.  My girl, my baby.  Thank God she is so independent, because I'm not sure I could let her go if I thought she might struggle.

A big smile spreads as she waves to me right before she gets on the bus, and I wave right back with an open hand.  I won't hold her back.  She was meant to be free.

I want to tell her how I miss her when she's gone, but I don't.  I know her.  She doesn't want me to be sad.  She is learning to fly on her own, and she doesn't need to keep looking back to see if the one who launched her is going to be okay.

I'm going to be okay.  I know I'm going to be okay.

My heart is exposed to the elements that are falling into place with this new season of life.  I'm trying to navigate through the unexpected weather.  I'm tempted in a touch of melancholy to wish for the yesteryears, but this is not how life is meant to be lived.  Like her, I must keep looking forward.  I must move to the next stage of life with excitement, and not look back wishing for what has been but cannot be again.  I want to revisit memories, but not ache for them.

Dreams are set upon the horizon, the place we look to know another day has come and gone.  The sun sets itself down and ushers in a new season, and though it is dark for a little while it meets us again with a glorious rise and a new day.  I must keep my eyes forward.  I don't want to miss it.


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